When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a doctor for "old people and babies." I'm not sure why this combination, but that's what I wanted. I went to college and started out as a premed major. I quickly realized that my high school science classes did not prepare me for the rigors of college science. I also realized that some professors didn't think girls belonged in science classes. So I switched majors to Secondary Education in English. I really wanted to be a creative writing major, but I also wanted to be gainfully employed, so teaching it was. After student teaching, I graduated with honors from Penn State and decided not to teach.
So here's the thing about a teaching degree versus a more general English or writing degree: with a teaching degree, people will ONLY hire you to teach. With a more general degree, you can write, edit, work in an office, teach, or do lots of other things. I didn't know that then.
For 3 years after graduation, I worked as a teaching assistant in an emotional support classroom and as a social worker with inner city kids. Then, I decided to try teaching again. I LOVED subbing! I know it's crazy, but it was different every day and I wasn't really responsible for grading. However, I loved the creativity of planning lessons and I didn't get to do that as a day-to-day sub. I was offered a long term substitute job which I didn't enjoy and then I was offered full-time teaching at Spring Grove Middle School.
I loved teaching 7th grade English. It was hard and fun at the same time. I co-directed a school play. I loved my students. I loved the subject. It was great!
But, then, after 3 years of trying, I finally had a baby. J was awesome and I loved him more than teaching. I hated having J in daycare because he got sick all the time there. So, I contacted a school that had offered me a part-time position in the past and asked if they had any openings. They did!
It was perfect! I worked from 7:30 to 10 am everyday. J's dad was home with him until I was done with work. (No day care!) I had full benefits and paid days off. The teachers didn't work well as a team, and the kids were a pain, but it was perfect!
The next year, the school offered me full time and I felt like I SHOULD take it, so I did. I like to call this "shoulding all over myself." It never turns out well when I do things I think I SHOULD do instead of doing what's right for me and my family. This was no exception! I was pushing a cart full of literature books to 5 different classrooms. I had three different preps and girls who got in fist fights when I had a sub. This was not a good choice. Then I found out the awesome news that I was pregnant with twins!
My doctor and I decided that the stress (physical and emotional) wasn't good for the babies, so I took FMLA leave. I was finishing up my Master's degree in education. I graduated 2 days before my babies were born. It was perfect!
Except for the postpartum depression.
Then I started teaching writing to college freshman. Having a masters degree afforded me the opportunity to work part time. I could be with my kids and still be a professional AND have people call me PROFESSOR! I loved it. I loved my co-workers and my students. It was perfect! Except the grading. I hated the grading. I sucked at grading! It took me hours and the students never cared what I had to say about their writing.
After separating from my husband, I quickly realized that I could not support my family on an adjunct professor's income and sporadic child support. I had been offered a full ride to get a second master's degree in special education, something I had become interested in after years of helping my son deal with schools that didn't understand his autism. But, without help with child care, I couldn't go to school. So I began looking for a full time job and I found it at my alma mater!
I was going to be a research scientist! It turned out to actually be a research associate and then an editor. I loved saying I worked at Penn State! I loved editing! I loved the research I got to participate in. Except that it was the most stressful job I'd ever had. I was trying to support my kids by myself for the first time on my own and my job felt like it was constantly in jeopardy. And then my job was gone. My contract ended and I just tried to get by so my kids could finish the school year without having to move. I was terrified!
In the middle of all of that drama, I met the love of my life! I moved away from Penn State, married my best friend, my life partner, and started my dream life! My kids were happy, my marriage was awesome, but I couldn't find a job. I couldn't teach college at a community college because of accreditation issues with my masters degree being education and not English. I couldn't get a job doing anything else. I felt dejected and worthless.
But I knew I loved yoga. With my husband's support, I completed a 200 hour yoga teacher training and began teaching yoga. I was also offered an adjunct position teaching freshman composition at UNC Charlotte. I loved teaching! My students were awesome! My coworkers were fantastic! I still hated grading papers. I hated it so much that it sucked out the love of teaching writing. I was just trying to get through. Except when I was teaching yoga. That I loved!
So I decided to open my own yoga studio in a very religious, very small, very isolated small town. As you can imagine, it has stayed small. I still love teaching yoga, but I don't love marketing.
I started to feel like I wasn't doing enough. NOT ENOUGH. That's the key to this current crisis in career hunting.
So I decided to go back to school to be a physical therapist. I researched. I found a school that didn't seem too far away, although it turned out that it is. I found out I'd have to retake some classes. I was upset, but only deterred for a short time. I formulated a plan. I executed the plan. And then I realized that I hated the plan.
I didn't count on the long hours of studying. I didn't count on the physical therapy school that I eventually wanted to attend NOT having a part-time option or an option intended for working parents. I didn't count on how hard it would be to take time away from my family to study for classes that may or may not eventually get me into PT school.
So now what?
My beautifully crafted, not very well felt-out plan has fallen apart.
Now what?
Now I realize that I already had the simple life I wanted teaching yoga and being a mother and wife. I had made it infinitely more complicated. I did that. Me. I can't blame anyone else. I didn't listen to my heart. I didn't consult my vision board for my life. I felt like I wasn't enough and I let that take over everything.
So now what?
Now, I meditate more. Maybe I drop my current classes, maybe I don't. I spend more time doing what I love. I try to teach myself the lesson I never learned; I am enough.
A met a woman the other night, a stranger named Marcia. I told Marcia my current dilemma. I told her about teaching yoga in the mornings and having time to help and attend meetings at the school. I told her about having energy to help the kids with homework and do crafts on the weekends and travel. Marcia said to me, "You've created a wonderful life for yourself." And I thought, "You're right. I have!"
I have created this wonderful life. I have chosen a fantastic, supportive life partner. We have great kids. We have love. And I love teaching yoga! I love helping people feel better. I've decided today to try to eliminate the idea that I need to have more, do more, be more to be enough. I am enough!
Instead of waiting until I grow up to be something, I'm learning that I already am something. I am enough.
