People have often said to me "wow, I am surprised you don't have kids" or "I would of thought that you would've done_____with your life" to "I always pictured you as this_____"
I have heard these statements over the past 15 years, but more so lately and as I approach my last year in my 30's and prepare to enter a new decade (one that I am actually looking forward to) I couldn't have read this at a better time in my life:
"I was thinking today about all the other paths that I did not take in life, no matter how shiny and appealing they may have looked. I've had the possibility of living so many different kinds of life that could have been a dream for somebody else. I never choose those lives. I've never lived the dreams that other people wanted for themselves — nor have I lived the dreams that other people may have wanted for me.
I never had children...because that's somebody else's dream.
I never took the opportunities that were offered to me after the success of EAT PRAY LOVE to have a TV show of my own...because that's somebody else's dream.
I never took a good steady job teaching writing at a nice college...because that's somebody else's dream.
I didn't remain in Bali or Rome, gorgeous as those places are...because that's somebody else's dream.
I turn down 99% of the invitations I get to attend to fancy parties and stellar gatherings...because that's somebody else's dream.
I sold my big beautiful house with its fabulous gardens and lovely library...because one day I looked around at that gorgeous home and realized: "This is somebody else's dream." (Happily, I sold the house to the family whose dream it actually was. So we all win.)
I never hired a team of personal assistants and staff and consultants to help me "grow my brand"...because that's somebody else's dream.
I know what makes me come to life — working on my books — and this picture tells the whole story. Knowing what makes me come to life has helped me to distinguish between my dreams and the dreams of others.
WHAT MAKES YOU COME TO LIFE?
Ask yourself this question, whenever you are given any choice or opportunity. Ask: "Will saying YES to this path bring me closer to the source that brings me to life? Or will it take me further away?"
No matter how alluring, no matter how beautiful, no matter how sparkling and fancy and delicious — do not say YES to other people's dreams.
Do your own thing. Live in your own waking dream. Stubbornly.
Even if it means not washing your hair for a week. (ESPECIALLY if it means that!)"
ONWARD,
LG
Elizabeth Gilbert
LG
Elizabeth Gilbert
So, at 3 am, I'm wide awake thinking about this post by my friend and so full of gratitude for Mary Beth for posting it now. I am at a point in my life where things are changing and change has always brought up a lot of fear in me. I have decided to leave my "
good steady job teaching writing at a nice college" because it is no longer my dream. I remember when it was, but it's not anymore. At some point, I started to feel like I wasn't making a difference anymore, that what I did there really didn't matter. I gave my notice at the beginning of this semester. My department chair and colleagues have been more than understanding. In fact, I had an hour and a half conversation with the chair, most of which was about yoga and how it could be applied to our everyday lives, and left knowing I was doing the right thing by leaving, not because I had to leave, but because I CHOSE to leave. My heart isn't in it anymore. There are lots of reasons why, but what's important is that I know what I want to do and I'm on that path already with the universe and my loved ones behind me!
I was going to be a pediatrician from the time I knew what the word was. I wanted to take care of babies and make them feel better. And old people. I used to say I was going to be a baby doctor and a doctor for the elderly. I don't know how I thought this would work, but that was my plan. So I did well in school and I went to college, where I took a class about being a pre-med major. In this class, I discovered what going to med school really meant. As a first generation college student, I had no idea what I was getting into before this class. In this class, I learned that I could get A's all through college and still NOT get into med school. I could be a chemistry or biology or pre-med major for four years and then not go to med school, and then what would I do? Then I found out I could be an English major and still get into med school as long as I took the science classes I needed, so I thought I'd do that. Until I took genetics. I loved genetics. I was good at it. But my professor was not a fan of girls in science, especially not girly girls and he made this abundantly clear every day. At the time, I was at a branch campus and I thought if it was sexist professors were so clearly blatant there, then it would be worse at the main campus. So I dropped the class and changed my major to English education where I could take all the English classes I wanted and presumably come out with a career as a teacher at the end.
In college, I had this theory that since I had to pay for 12 credits to be full-time, anything over 12 credits was free. I decided to take full advantage of this, filling my schedule with creative writing and dance classes, even before I changed majors. If I had known about yoga, I would have taken that too! If I had stayed at college one more semester, I would have had a second major in creative writing and a minor in dance! Clearly these things mattered to me, but I thought getting a job right away was more important. Looking back, I can see how I've often let other people's dreams for me (or what I thought they were anyway) dictate my life choices.
My driving force in life, "what makes me come to life," is love. I need to feel like I make a difference. I have left other jobs before for this very reason. I worked as a bank teller for a while after college and I hated it! I used to say it was the worst job I had ever had. The reason? What I did there didn't help anyone. It didn't really matter. So I became a social worker where it felt like I mattered every day. I loved this job (although it was stressful and emotionally draining) until I attended the first day of school with a 14 year old client. Watching the teachers prepare their rooms and lesson plans for a new school year and feeling that excitement made me realize I needed to go back to teaching. So I did. A few years later, having children showed me that I needed more time to be a mom than public school teaching allowed for, so I started teaching part-time at a college. For many years, teaching college writing has given me this feeling of making a difference and allowed me to have time to be a mom. I have been grateful for that, but I began to feel that there had to be something more.
Discovering J had autism changed my focus in life. I had to help him learn to navigate life and school. I became the mother of a child with autism. I studied autism, spoke about autism, taught teachers about autism, and fought for my son's right to a good, public education. This was my focus for a long time. I was even offered a full ride for a master's degree in special education, but without the support system at home, I couldn't make it work. Now J is 13 and almost done with middle school and he is doing well. The school calls me less and less about issues with him. I am now more focused on his independent living skills at home, which C and A need as well. Being a mom is much less demanding than before.
I know I make a difference to my children as their mother, but as they get older and need me less, I find that I need more to satisfy my drive to make a difference. I also feel the need to rediscover my identity, not just as J, C, & A's mom, or K & T's step mom, or S's wife, or my parents' daughter, but as ME. I have learned from past mistakes that I mustn't give up my identity to anyone or I'm not good to anyone. I have to be clear about who I am and what MY dreams are. It's best for everyone, not just me.
So who am I today? Today, I am a mom, a step mom, a wife, a friend. I am a writer. I am creative. I am a yoga teacher. I am a business owner, an entrepreneur.
I am still growing into these things, redefining them day by day, trying to figure out how they all fit together and how I can use them to help support my family.
Teaching yoga allows me to help people. My goal is to have people feel better when they leave my class than they did when they came in. I love teaching gentle yoga for this reason. Students have told me that my touch is healing for them. I know that this statement is about their journey, but I also know that I am part of that. I get to help them be stronger and more flexible and who can't use a little more strength and flexibility in their lives?!
I know the universe supports my decision to leave college teaching because things have come together to make it work. S earned a raise this summer equal to what I was making teaching writing. He may earn another that will make us more financially secure because we're still sort of on the cusp. I still have income from another yoga studio and I've been hired to teach some corporate classes that will fit into my schedule nicely once I am finished at UNCC. I have become friends with a fellow entrepreneur who has helped me advertise my business on my personal vehicle and allowed me to bounce marketing ideas off of her. I have had two students come to my new studio, who were not my husband or best friend. (I've had four students, if you count them!) I have had a total stranger (recommended by a friend and mentor) buy private lessons from me at my new studio, my first paying client! Having a paying client has been a huge turning point for me because I can see that the money can come. Last week, for the first time since we moved here, I was able to volunteer at a school event besides a field trip. C & A seemed genuinely happy that I was at their school to help and I got to meet some of their friends! Being available for them is very important to me.
I have struggled with starting this yoga business at home. I thought it would be easier. I thought more of my past students would come. It has not been easy. I have cried when a class is scheduled, but no one is there to take it. I am learning to use these times to promote my business instead of feeling sorry for myself. I have begun walking the neighborhood and giving out business cards and using this time to create flyers and plan future classes. I believe it is helping.
My husband reminds me that we built the space for people to do yoga, I am here to provide the instruction, but I can't force people to take it. He believes people will come. It's my field of dreams, "If you build it, they will come." But I'm learning that it's not magic, like in the movie. Besides, I don't want ghosts of students (although that would be sort of cool). I want actual students. For actual students to come, they have to know I'm here. So I need to find creative, cheap ways to advertise, like driving my Daisy Yoga van around town, handing out business cards to my neighbors, holding kids yoga classes, speaking at a juice cafe in town, and being in the town's Christmas parade. I hope it works. I feel like it will. It can't hurt, anyway. Right?
Having time to be creative, without the guilt of not grading papers, is also very important. Last year, I tried doing 365 days of creativity, but it ended up being about 45. Mostly, I stopped because of a lack of time to be creative. I also found that doing something creative and finishing it every day is a huge undertaking. I know I will do something like this again because I liked the structure it provided, but I will allow time for planning and projects that take more than one day to accomplish. I ended up feeling pressured and rushed, which doesn't make me feel creative or happy. I know that a lot of my creativity goes into being a mom and promoting my business. That's okay, too. That needs to be part of my creativity plan as well.
Led Zepplin may have said it best, "Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on. And it makes me wonder."
My dreams are clear to me now. It doesn't mean they won't change and grow. What it means is that I have structured my life in such a way as to make living them possible. I have made stubborn choices each day (thank you vision board) to lead me to this point where I can live my dreams. I feel like ME. Life is good.
What are your dreams? What drives you? Would you like to change the road you're on? Please share your journey in the comments below.
