Dinner with Autism

Dinner with a child with autism can be a bit of a challenge.  J is very picky.  He prefers bland food.  He doesn't like to try anything new.  He wants to eat the same processed, low-effort foods over and over (mac & cheese, chicken nuggets, tuna triangles, pancakes, pizza with no sauce, spaghetti with butter and salt, etc) and NO green vegetables!

In my previous marriage, my husband was rarely home for dinner.  Since J complained about everything except his preferred foods, we began eating just what J liked to avoid a fight every night.  I was tired of being told that anything I made was "disgusting" so I gave in.  You have to pick your battles, right?

After a while, I became very tired of eating the same things over and over.  I also found that my other kids LIKED trying new things and they wanted variety as well.  So, when I became a single mom, I tried something new.  I would make different foods with the promise that J would always have at least one thing on his plate that he liked.  This thing was often apple sauce, cottage cheese, or butter bread.  Even so, I was tired after working full-time and taking care of kids by myself so we didn't add a ton of variety, but it was an improvement.

When I remarried, my new husband, thought I was a great cook.  He would compliment my food and rave to his friends about my cooking (thank heavens for low expectations!)  I enjoyed cooking for him because he made me feel competent and he truly seemed to enjoy whatever I made.  My younger two also enjoyed my experimentation with trying new recipes.

Last year, S helped me create a menu board out of an old cookie sheet, picture frame, a piece of scrapbooking paper, Modpodge, magnets, and a corn muffin mix box.  On one side of a 1 x 3 card, I printed the names of foods I wanted to make and foods I thought the majority of the family would like.  On the other side, I listed the ingredients to make grocery shopping easier.  I didn't have to look up the recipe to make my grocery list.  I got this idea from Pinterest and it is one of my favorite DIY projects yet!

Every Sunday, each person in the family gets to choose one meal for the week so everyone gets something they like.  Right now, S needs to cook twice a week because of my work schedule so we have pizza one day and he chooses something easy to cook another day.  We often end up with one day for leftovers.

This new system has been wonderful!  I'm not going crazy at 4:00 trying to figure out what we're going to have for dinner.  We almost always have more pleasant meals because each person knows they'll get their choice at some point that week.  It's cheaper for groceries because I don't have to worry so much about stocking up on things.  It's a win-win!

However, once in a while, J REALLY doesn't like the dinner and he makes it unpleasant for everyone.  Often, I can ignore him, but tonight was not one of those nights.  I had been looking forward to tonight's dinner for a while.  Texas Chili was my pick for the week and it was a new addition to the menu.  I had never made chili before and I was nervous.

J didn't like the chili.  He thought it was too spicy (although everyone else thought it was mild).  He didn't like the baked potato.  The only thing he ate was the shredded cheese.  Then, he went on to loudly complain about how awful the food was.   This being the second snow day this week, I had had enough!  I sent him to his room.  S went and spoke to him and J joined us to watch Dr. Who about an hour later.

While J was in his room, the rest of us had a very pleasant conversation.  Everyone enjoyed their food.  And for a moment, I thought, "This is what our lives would be like without autism," I love J, but I must admit that there was a tiny bit of longing there: a tiny wish for "normal."  I immediately felt guilty for having this feeling.  I love my son, after all.  We've worked hard to get him where he is and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world, but sometimes being his mom is hard.

Today is Valentine's Day.  S left me my favorite: Dove milk chocolate truffles and I gave each child a chocolate bar.  For no reason, J came up behind me, hugged my back, and said, "Happy Valentine's Day, Mom" and walked away.   Just like I've learned to choose my battles, I also learned to take what I can get.  It's not an apology, but for J, hugging another person on his own and saying "I love you" is huge! No matter how hard things get, I'm a lucky mom!

My Insomnia Solution!

I often wake up in the middle of the night with racing, repetitive thoughts and can't fall back asleep.  This leaves me tired and often more stressed.  I have been reading two books that seem to be helping with this problem.

 

The first book is Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, which is difficult for me to describe. www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Create-Better-Life-ebook I am reading this book with my husband, giving us lots of opportunity for interesting, thought-provoking discussions.  So far, this book describes how humans are awakening to a new way of being.  We don't have to be stuck in the drama and stories we've been telling ourselves our whole lives.  We can choose to see a healthier way.

When we first started reading the Tolle book, I woke up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts, but I was able to see how my ego was creating this drama in my life.  That realization was enough to help me step back from the drama and go back to sleep.  Unfortunately, we haven't been reading that book lately and I seem to have lost the ability to step out of the negative thought stream so easily.

The second book is Katie McClain's How to Tame Your Thought Monster. www.amazon.com/How-Tame-Your-Thought-Monster This is a book written for parents and children to teach them a new way of seeing events in their lives.  It empowers children (and parents) to see that there are choices in the way we view things.  These choices lead to actions and results in our lives being how they are.  If we want a different life, we have to choose to think about situations differently.  We are reading this book as a family and doing the activities together.  I have found the theory so interesting, that I've also introduced it to the college students I teach!

There are five parts of McClain's theory:

1. Circumstances - just the facts of any situation
2. Thoughts - We create thoughts in our minds about the circumstances of our lives.
3. Feelings - The thoughts we have create the feelings that we hold onto about our lives.
4. Actions - We take (or don't take) actions based on feelings that we have.
5. Results - The actions we take (or avoid) give us the results of our lives.

We have only discussed the circumstances part so far with the kids.  We spent a lot of time talking about the difference between fact and opinion.  J really struggled with all of it, but he stuck in there with us, regardless!

Last night, I once again woke up with the racing, repetitive thoughts about things that happened during the last couple of days and of course what I did wrong.  I was particularly obsessing over some feedback I was given about my Yoga class.  I just kept trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I could fix it while keeping my integrity.  And saying lots of discouraging things to myself like "Why am I so stupid?" "I should have known I wouldn't be a good yoga teacher," and "I'm too lazy.  I should be trying harder." 

I could see this type of thinking wasn't getting me anywhere and I just wanted to go back to sleep!  I tried just breathing.  I tried listening to my husband breathing.  I tried relaxing each individual part of my body.  But, none of it worked because the thoughts were so persistent!  

Finally, I thought of Tolle, which lead me to thinking about the similarities of McClain's theory.  Then, I thought, "Wait a minute!  What are the real circumstances here?" The real circumstances are that I received feedback on my class.  That's it.  All the other stuff is just thoughts I made up about the feedback.  Earlier in the day, I had discussed the situation with my friend Jess and come up with a plan of action.  So I just reminded myself that I already had a plan.  When the thoughts tried to come back again, I just reminded myself of the real circumstances and that I already had a plan of action.  I quickly went back to sleep!  Woot!  Woot!  I kicked insomnia's ass!