From College Professor to Yoga Teacher

Yesterday, I saw a Facebook post from my friend, who is often an inspiration to me, Mary Beth.  This is what she wrote about a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love:

People have often said to me "wow, I am surprised you don't have kids" or "I would of thought that you would've done_____with your life" to "I always pictured you as this_____"

I have heard these statements over the past 15 years, but more so lately and as I approach my last year in my 30's and prepare to enter a new decade (one that I am actually looking forward to) I couldn't have read this at a better time in my life:

"I was thinking today about all the other paths that I did not take in life, no matter how shiny and appealing they may have looked. I've had the possibility of living so many different kinds of life that could have been a dream for somebody else. I never choose those lives. I've never lived the dreams that other people wanted for themselves — nor have I lived the dreams that other people may have wanted for me.

I never had children...because that's somebody else's dream.

I never took the opportunities that were offered to me after the success of EAT PRAY LOVE to have a TV show of my own...because that's somebody else's dream.

I never took a good steady job teaching writing at a nice college...because that's somebody else's dream.

I didn't remain in Bali or Rome, gorgeous as those places are...because that's somebody else's dream.

I turn down 99% of the invitations I get to attend to fancy parties and stellar gatherings...because that's somebody else's dream.

I sold my big beautiful house with its fabulous gardens and lovely library...because one day I looked around at that gorgeous home and realized: "This is somebody else's dream." (Happily, I sold the house to the family whose dream it actually was. So we all win.)

I never hired a team of personal assistants and staff and consultants to help me "grow my brand"...because that's somebody else's dream.

I know what makes me come to life — working on my books — and this picture tells the whole story. Knowing what makes me come to life has helped me to distinguish between my dreams and the dreams of others.

WHAT MAKES YOU COME TO LIFE?

Ask yourself this question, whenever you are given any choice or opportunity. Ask: "Will saying YES to this path bring me closer to the source that brings me to life? Or will it take me further away?"

No matter how alluring, no matter how beautiful, no matter how sparkling and fancy and delicious — do not say YES to other people's dreams.

Do your own thing. Live in your own waking dream. Stubbornly.

Even if it means not washing your hair for a week. (ESPECIALLY if it means that!)"

ONWARD,
LG
Elizabeth Gilbert

So, at 3 am, I'm wide awake thinking about this post by my friend and so full of gratitude for Mary Beth for posting it now.  I am at a point in my life where things are changing and change has always brought up a lot of fear in me.  I have decided to leave my "

good steady job teaching writing at a nice college" because it is no longer my dream.  I remember when it was, but it's not anymore.  At some point, I started to feel like I wasn't making a difference anymore, that what I did there really didn't matter.  I gave my notice at the beginning of this semester.  My department chair and colleagues have been more than understanding.  In fact, I had an hour and a half conversation with the chair, most of which was about yoga and how it could be applied to our everyday lives, and left knowing I was doing the right thing by leaving, not because I had to leave, but because I CHOSE to leave.  My heart isn't in it anymore.  There are lots of reasons why, but what's important is that I know what I want to do and I'm on that path already with the universe and my loved ones behind me!

I was going to be a pediatrician from the time I knew what the word was.  I wanted to take care of babies and make them feel better.  And old people.  I used to say I was going to be a baby doctor and a doctor for the elderly.  I don't know how I thought this would work, but that was my plan.  So I did well in school and I went to college, where I took a class about being a pre-med major.  In this class, I discovered what going to med school really meant.  As a first generation college student, I had no idea what I was getting into before this class.  In this class, I learned that I could get A's all through college and still NOT get into med school.  I could be a chemistry or biology or pre-med major for four years and then not go to med school, and then what would I do?  Then I found out I could be an English major and still get into med school as long as I took the science classes I needed, so I thought I'd do that.  Until I took genetics.  I loved genetics.  I was good at it.  But my professor was not a fan of girls in science, especially not girly girls and he made this abundantly clear every day.  At the time, I was at a branch campus and I thought if it was sexist professors were so clearly blatant there, then it would be worse at the main campus.  So I dropped the class and changed my major to English education where I could take all the English classes I wanted and presumably come out with a career as a teacher at the end.

In college, I had this theory that since I had to pay for 12 credits to be full-time, anything over 12 credits was free.  I decided to take full advantage of this, filling my schedule with creative writing and dance classes, even before I changed majors.  If I had known about yoga, I would have taken that too!  If I had stayed at college one more semester, I would have had a second major in creative writing and a minor in dance!  Clearly these things mattered to me, but I thought getting a job right away was more important.  Looking back, I can see how I've often let other people's dreams for me (or what I thought they were anyway) dictate my life choices.

My driving force in life, "what makes me come to life," is love.  I need to feel like I make a difference.  I have left other jobs before for this very reason.  I worked as a bank teller for a while after college and I hated it!  I used to say it was the worst job I had ever had.  The reason?  What I did there didn't help anyone.  It didn't really matter.  So I became a social worker where it felt like I mattered every day.  I loved this job (although it was stressful and emotionally draining) until I attended the first day of school with a 14 year old client.  Watching the teachers prepare their rooms and lesson plans for a new school year and feeling that excitement made me realize I needed to go back to teaching. So I did.  A few years later, having children showed me that I needed more time to be a mom than public school teaching allowed for, so I started teaching part-time at a college.  For many years, teaching college writing has given me this feeling of making a difference and allowed me to have time to be a mom.  I have been grateful for that, but I began to feel that there had to be something more.  

Discovering J had autism changed my focus in life.  I had to help him learn to navigate life and school.  I became the mother of a child with autism.  I studied autism, spoke about autism, taught teachers about autism, and fought for my son's right to a good, public education.  This was my focus for a long time.  I was even offered a full ride for a master's degree in special education, but without the support system at home, I couldn't make it work.  Now J is 13 and almost done with middle school and he is doing well.  The school calls me less and less about issues with him.  I am now more focused on his independent living skills at home, which C and A need as well.  Being a mom is much less demanding than before.

I know I make a difference to my children as their mother, but as they get older and need me less, I find that I need more to satisfy my drive to make a difference.  I also feel the need to rediscover my identity, not just as J, C, & A's mom, or K & T's step mom, or S's wife, or my parents' daughter, but as ME.  I have learned from past mistakes that I mustn't give up my identity to anyone or I'm not good to anyone.  I have to be clear about who I am and what MY dreams are.  It's best for everyone, not just me.

So who am I today?  Today, I am a mom, a step mom, a wife, a friend.  I am a writer.  I am creative.  I am a yoga teacher.  I am a business owner, an entrepreneur.

I am still growing into these things, redefining them day by day, trying to figure out how they all fit together and how I can use them to help support my family.

Teaching yoga allows me to help people.  My goal is to have people feel better when they leave my class than they did when they came in.  I love teaching gentle yoga for this reason.  Students have told me that my touch is healing for them.  I know that this statement is about their journey, but I also know that I am part of that.  I get to help them be stronger and more flexible and who can't use a little more strength and flexibility in their lives?!

I know the universe supports my decision to leave college teaching because things have come together to make it work.   S earned a raise this summer equal to what I was making teaching writing.  He may earn another that will make us more financially secure because we're still sort of on the cusp.  I still have income from another yoga studio and I've been hired to teach some corporate classes that will fit into my schedule nicely once I am finished at UNCC.  I have become friends with a fellow entrepreneur who has helped me advertise my business on my personal vehicle and allowed me to bounce marketing ideas off of her. I have had two students come to my new studio, who were not my husband or best friend.  (I've had four students, if you count them!)  I have had a total stranger (recommended by a friend and mentor) buy private lessons from me at my new studio, my first paying client! Having a paying client has been a huge turning point for me because I can see that the money can come.   Last week, for the first time since we moved here, I was able to volunteer at a school event besides a field trip.  C & A seemed genuinely happy that I was at their school to help and I got to meet some of their friends!  Being available for them is very important to me.  

I have struggled with starting this yoga business at home.  I thought it would be easier.  I thought more of my past students would come.  It has not been easy.  I have cried when a class is scheduled, but no one is there to take it.  I am learning to use these times to promote my business instead of feeling sorry for myself.  I have begun walking the neighborhood and giving out business cards and using this time to create flyers and plan future classes.  I believe it is helping.  

My husband reminds me that we built the space for people to do yoga, I am here to provide the instruction, but I can't force people to take it.  He believes people will come.  It's my field of dreams, "If you build it, they will come." But I'm learning that it's not magic, like in the movie. Besides, I don't want ghosts of students (although that would be sort of cool).  I want actual students.  For actual students to come, they have to know I'm here.  So I need to find creative, cheap ways to advertise, like driving my Daisy Yoga van around town, handing out business cards to my neighbors, holding kids yoga classes, speaking at a juice cafe in town, and being in the town's Christmas parade. I hope it works.  I feel like it will.  It can't hurt, anyway. Right?

Having time to be creative, without the guilt of not grading papers, is also very important.  Last year, I tried doing 365 days of creativity, but it ended up being about 45.  Mostly, I stopped because of a lack of time to be creative.  I also found that doing something creative and finishing it every day is a huge undertaking.  I know I will do something like this again because I liked the structure it provided, but I will allow time for planning and projects that take more than one day to accomplish.  I ended up feeling pressured and rushed, which doesn't make me feel creative or happy.  I know that a lot of my creativity goes into being a mom and promoting my business.  That's okay, too. That needs to be part of my creativity plan as well.

Led Zepplin may have said it best, "Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.  And it makes me wonder."

My dreams are clear to me now.  It doesn't mean they won't change and grow.  What it means is that I have structured my life in such a way as to make living them possible.  I have made stubborn choices each day (thank you vision board) to lead me to this point where I can live my dreams.  I feel like ME. Life is good.

What are your dreams?  What drives you?  Would you like to change the road you're on? Please share your journey in the comments below.

Dinner with Autism

Dinner with a child with autism can be a bit of a challenge.  J is very picky.  He prefers bland food.  He doesn't like to try anything new.  He wants to eat the same processed, low-effort foods over and over (mac & cheese, chicken nuggets, tuna triangles, pancakes, pizza with no sauce, spaghetti with butter and salt, etc) and NO green vegetables!

In my previous marriage, my husband was rarely home for dinner.  Since J complained about everything except his preferred foods, we began eating just what J liked to avoid a fight every night.  I was tired of being told that anything I made was "disgusting" so I gave in.  You have to pick your battles, right?

After a while, I became very tired of eating the same things over and over.  I also found that my other kids LIKED trying new things and they wanted variety as well.  So, when I became a single mom, I tried something new.  I would make different foods with the promise that J would always have at least one thing on his plate that he liked.  This thing was often apple sauce, cottage cheese, or butter bread.  Even so, I was tired after working full-time and taking care of kids by myself so we didn't add a ton of variety, but it was an improvement.

When I remarried, my new husband, thought I was a great cook.  He would compliment my food and rave to his friends about my cooking (thank heavens for low expectations!)  I enjoyed cooking for him because he made me feel competent and he truly seemed to enjoy whatever I made.  My younger two also enjoyed my experimentation with trying new recipes.

Last year, S helped me create a menu board out of an old cookie sheet, picture frame, a piece of scrapbooking paper, Modpodge, magnets, and a corn muffin mix box.  On one side of a 1 x 3 card, I printed the names of foods I wanted to make and foods I thought the majority of the family would like.  On the other side, I listed the ingredients to make grocery shopping easier.  I didn't have to look up the recipe to make my grocery list.  I got this idea from Pinterest and it is one of my favorite DIY projects yet!

Every Sunday, each person in the family gets to choose one meal for the week so everyone gets something they like.  Right now, S needs to cook twice a week because of my work schedule so we have pizza one day and he chooses something easy to cook another day.  We often end up with one day for leftovers.

This new system has been wonderful!  I'm not going crazy at 4:00 trying to figure out what we're going to have for dinner.  We almost always have more pleasant meals because each person knows they'll get their choice at some point that week.  It's cheaper for groceries because I don't have to worry so much about stocking up on things.  It's a win-win!

However, once in a while, J REALLY doesn't like the dinner and he makes it unpleasant for everyone.  Often, I can ignore him, but tonight was not one of those nights.  I had been looking forward to tonight's dinner for a while.  Texas Chili was my pick for the week and it was a new addition to the menu.  I had never made chili before and I was nervous.

J didn't like the chili.  He thought it was too spicy (although everyone else thought it was mild).  He didn't like the baked potato.  The only thing he ate was the shredded cheese.  Then, he went on to loudly complain about how awful the food was.   This being the second snow day this week, I had had enough!  I sent him to his room.  S went and spoke to him and J joined us to watch Dr. Who about an hour later.

While J was in his room, the rest of us had a very pleasant conversation.  Everyone enjoyed their food.  And for a moment, I thought, "This is what our lives would be like without autism," I love J, but I must admit that there was a tiny bit of longing there: a tiny wish for "normal."  I immediately felt guilty for having this feeling.  I love my son, after all.  We've worked hard to get him where he is and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world, but sometimes being his mom is hard.

Today is Valentine's Day.  S left me my favorite: Dove milk chocolate truffles and I gave each child a chocolate bar.  For no reason, J came up behind me, hugged my back, and said, "Happy Valentine's Day, Mom" and walked away.   Just like I've learned to choose my battles, I also learned to take what I can get.  It's not an apology, but for J, hugging another person on his own and saying "I love you" is huge! No matter how hard things get, I'm a lucky mom!

My Insomnia Solution!

I often wake up in the middle of the night with racing, repetitive thoughts and can't fall back asleep.  This leaves me tired and often more stressed.  I have been reading two books that seem to be helping with this problem.

 

The first book is Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, which is difficult for me to describe. www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Create-Better-Life-ebook I am reading this book with my husband, giving us lots of opportunity for interesting, thought-provoking discussions.  So far, this book describes how humans are awakening to a new way of being.  We don't have to be stuck in the drama and stories we've been telling ourselves our whole lives.  We can choose to see a healthier way.

When we first started reading the Tolle book, I woke up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts, but I was able to see how my ego was creating this drama in my life.  That realization was enough to help me step back from the drama and go back to sleep.  Unfortunately, we haven't been reading that book lately and I seem to have lost the ability to step out of the negative thought stream so easily.

The second book is Katie McClain's How to Tame Your Thought Monster. www.amazon.com/How-Tame-Your-Thought-Monster This is a book written for parents and children to teach them a new way of seeing events in their lives.  It empowers children (and parents) to see that there are choices in the way we view things.  These choices lead to actions and results in our lives being how they are.  If we want a different life, we have to choose to think about situations differently.  We are reading this book as a family and doing the activities together.  I have found the theory so interesting, that I've also introduced it to the college students I teach!

There are five parts of McClain's theory:

1. Circumstances - just the facts of any situation
2. Thoughts - We create thoughts in our minds about the circumstances of our lives.
3. Feelings - The thoughts we have create the feelings that we hold onto about our lives.
4. Actions - We take (or don't take) actions based on feelings that we have.
5. Results - The actions we take (or avoid) give us the results of our lives.

We have only discussed the circumstances part so far with the kids.  We spent a lot of time talking about the difference between fact and opinion.  J really struggled with all of it, but he stuck in there with us, regardless!

Last night, I once again woke up with the racing, repetitive thoughts about things that happened during the last couple of days and of course what I did wrong.  I was particularly obsessing over some feedback I was given about my Yoga class.  I just kept trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I could fix it while keeping my integrity.  And saying lots of discouraging things to myself like "Why am I so stupid?" "I should have known I wouldn't be a good yoga teacher," and "I'm too lazy.  I should be trying harder." 

I could see this type of thinking wasn't getting me anywhere and I just wanted to go back to sleep!  I tried just breathing.  I tried listening to my husband breathing.  I tried relaxing each individual part of my body.  But, none of it worked because the thoughts were so persistent!  

Finally, I thought of Tolle, which lead me to thinking about the similarities of McClain's theory.  Then, I thought, "Wait a minute!  What are the real circumstances here?" The real circumstances are that I received feedback on my class.  That's it.  All the other stuff is just thoughts I made up about the feedback.  Earlier in the day, I had discussed the situation with my friend Jess and come up with a plan of action.  So I just reminded myself that I already had a plan.  When the thoughts tried to come back again, I just reminded myself of the real circumstances and that I already had a plan of action.  I quickly went back to sleep!  Woot!  Woot!  I kicked insomnia's ass!  

Visionboards

Thanks to my friend Diane and my hubby, I went to a visionboarding workshop lead by the wonderful Maebeth Hill at Charlotte Family Yoga Center this past weekend.  Diane knew that I was looking for some focus and clarity in my life and she gave the workshop to me as a gift.  S insisted that I go even though I was nervous about it.  I am so glad that I went!

A visionboard is a visual reminder of one's plan, goals, or vision of one's life.  The theory is that if you look at a visual representation of what you want your life to be/look like, you will manifest those things in your real life.  Some people make it sound like some sort of magic, but I think it's really about becoming clear about what you want.  Once you're clear about what you want, you are more likely to make choices that lead you to that life.  Also, you are more likely to reject choices that will interfere with this vision of what you want.

I had a small experience with this a few years ago.  I was dating a man and I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I decided I needed to become clear about what I wanted in a partner.  I found an outline of a silhouette of a man and I wrote words on it to describe the kind of partner I wanted.  Very shortly afterward, I met the man who is now my husband.  He fit all of the things I was looking for plus I whole bunch of things I didn't even know I wanted.  I don't think there was some mystical power at work.  I think I realized I didn't want the relationship I had and I realized I wasn't going to find the one I wanted until I got out of the one I was in.  Then I didn't accept anything that didn't meet my vision of a partner.  My first foray into a visionboard brought me the man of my dreams!

This time, in typical Rhonda fashion, I had too much to fit on one board.  Also, finishing the boards was more emotional and exhausting for me than I could have imagined.

My first vision board: (clockwise from word "smile") Fun Time with my Kids, Growing a Vegetable Garden, Cheerful Home with a Porch, Organization. Yoga

My second vision board: (Clockwise from the word "happiness") Friends, Healthy Eating, My Marriage, Writing & Editing, Travel, and Laughter

The morning after finishing my visionboards, I woke up with a start realizing the one thing that is NOT on my boards: teaching college writing.  A few years ago, I thought teaching college writing was going to be my career, but after 8 1/2 years of waiting, no position ever opened.  Now, I'm at a new college, but I don't have the ambition anymore to pursue a full-time teaching position.  I love teaching, but I hate grading.  This makes being a writing teacher very difficult!  Another thing that didn't make my visionboards is getting a PhD.  I can't see taking the time away from my family to pursue a degree that would lead to teaching college writing full-time.

My daughter C, saw me making the visionboards and asked if she could make one.  She spent an entire day cutting out pictures and gluing them on.  Her visionboard fits her perfectly!  I was worried that since all I had were Better Homes and Gardens and Yoga Journal, she wouldn't find anything that spoke to her.  Boy, was I wrong!

C's visionboard

She is only ten, but her vision for her life is very clear.  She LOVES animals and nature.  She wants to be a veterinarian or zoologist.  She loves climbing trees and going to the beach.  I also love that yoga made it into her visionboard as well.  (I hope she did that for her and not me.)  My daughter clearly knows who she is and what she wants.  I hope she can hold onto that clarity as her vision matures and changes!

In case you're curious, making a visionboard requires only a few supplies:
1. Magazines
2. Scissors
3. Glue
4. Posterboard or something to put it on (The round one is poster board, the square ones are old chalkboards that we covered with paper before gluing on our pictures)
5. Mod Podge (optional)

As you look rather quickly through the magazines, without thinking about it, tear out anything that appeals to you or speaks to you.  Tearing out the pages first is best because it keeps you focused on one task at a time and doesn't allow you to over-think it.  Next, cut out the pictures.  Think about categories they might fit into like mind, body, and spirit; home, work, and play.  Mine didn't fit easily into any simple categories so I just grouped them by theme.  Then, glue the pictures onto your board, again without over-thinking it.  If you want, you can put a layer of two of Mod Podge on your board to finish it off.

If you make a visionboard, I'd love to see pictures and hear how it worked for you!.

Long Distance Cuddling

My husband (S) and I dated long distance for over a year.  (Three of those weeks, he was on the other side of the Earth in Japan!)  We spent lots of time and money traveling back and forth between Pennsylvania and North Carolina to see each other every two to three weeks.  In between visits, we would use Google Voice and Video (now called "Hangouts") to video chat every night from about 8 to 10 pm. My kids were in bed by 8 so we had time for actual adult conversations.

We had wonderful, long discussions about our days, life, kids, plans, and science. We talked about everything!  We laughed and learned from each other.  It was heavenly, except that we weren't together.

Each night, I would pretend to fall asleep so S would fall asleep because he would stay awake as long as he thought I was still up.  In the time between when we had finished talking and when we "fell asleep," the laptop would be on my bed next to my head and I could almost believe that he was there with me.  I would dream of a time when I could fall asleep with him for real, my head on his chest and his arm wrapped around my back.

We've been married for a year and a half now.  I still feel like we're on our honeymoon!  Every night, I get to go to sleep in his arms.  Sometimes, I remember just how badly I wanted that to be real and how blessed I am that it is!  Although I miss those long talks sometimes, I'm so glad our cuddling isn't long distance anymore. I love you, S!

J's Bucket List

On New Year's night at dinner, we shared our favorite events from 2013 including buying a house big enough for everyone to have his or her own bedroom.  We also discussed the difference between intentions and resolutions.  Each person told their intention for the new year.  Mine was to learn more about Eckhart Tolle's philosophies and apply them to my life, especially my relationship with my ex-husband.  A wants to get better grades, but he didn't have a plan for how to accomplish that so the family gave him some ideas.  C and S didn't have an intention to share; they're still thinking.  But J, decided he wanted to make a bucket list.  My child, who hates to write, asked for a paper and pencil and started his list with two items: bungee jumping and learning to speak the Navajo language.  He was fascinated by the Navajo code breakers in WWII.  He also informed us that Navajo is a dying language and it's only oral so he would have to go to New Mexico to learn it!